i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
the day after is always just damage control
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
