I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
one two three fourrrrnication!
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
