Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
