I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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