I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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