so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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