Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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