Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
