I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
