I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
