Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
please come you make the beer taste better
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
