Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
