Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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