Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
