It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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