I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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