God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
