On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
