I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
