I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
