I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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