Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
