Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
