The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
