Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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