This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
