You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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