I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
