nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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