Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
