if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
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