idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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