Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
