I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Say something about gay babies.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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