your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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