i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
