she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
