I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
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He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
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Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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