New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
