3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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