Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
