You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
not ubering you a puppy
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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