At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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