He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
