what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
