I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
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Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
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It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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