I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
