dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Randomize
