I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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