Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
