Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
