Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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