The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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