I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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