we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
