Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
last night I used snow as a chaser
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.